CHICAGO – In the wake of the brilliant Stanley Cup victory for the Chicago Blackhawks, the Department of Water Management is reporting massive blockages and sewer backups across the City of Chicago.
Dept of Water Management Director, Erick Harms, says, “this can only be due to the simultaneous shaving of playoff beards. The system was originally designed to support 50 year win cycles. When you have two victories in the span of 5 years, it just wreaks havoc on such an old system, but go Hawks.”
Veteran plumber, Bryan Moore, is recommending homeowners to trim the unruly playoff beard over the next week. “We just can’t get out to everyone fast enough and it’s a real mess. Maybe try a goatee or some mutton chops for a few days. You know, spice it up a little.”
An unnamed Hawks superfan says, “It’s just time to shave this thing. My wife won’t touch me and my dog has been hiding for weeks. I heard about the plumbing issues, but it’s gotta go even if I have to drive down to Peoria to shave it.”
It is unclear whether it is homeowner responsibility or city responsibility to clear up the clogs. FEMA has been alerted to assess the situation and the mayor was unavailable for comment.